Transformation
by Thessian Shadow
Summary: Post Latent Image. The Doc deals with demons, while Kathryn reveals a similar situation from her past. JD Friendship. OneshotSongfic R


_**Transformation**_

_**A/N: **_This one's a post-Latent Image fic. I saw this one again and decided to act on an odd impulse. Anyhow, what else could have been said between the Doctor and Kathryn? Enjoy!

_**Disclaimer:**___I don't own any characters, scenes, or anything else. The song's Phil Collins'. Otherwise, I'd be filthy rich… which I'm not. 

His thoughts were an endless maze with no way in or out, and no sense of direction. Two security officers were on either side, but their presence was not noticed. Tuvok and Kim lead him to the holodeck, where there was nothing but a set of chairs. One to the left, and one to the right. Thankfully they weren't directly across from each other.

The two waited until he had finally sank into one of them, and left him alone for a brief period. He noticed that the doors sealed, and nobody had said more than two words to him since he left sickbay

"Well… look at my situation now. My importance has diminished even further, if that's possible, and now I am here to just forget what happened. They expect me to just move on, I imagine… Hell, if they had another alternative, they'd deactivate me permanently, and be done with it. Unfortunately, Mr. Paris isn't nearly the doctor he attempted to be when Jetal needed him. I'm just a supplement!" His words, which had now elevated to shouts reverberated off the walls. Their harshness reflected his anger and distaste. He resumed sitting after realizing he had stood.

"All they believe me to be is a program… another thing to give orders to. Hell, if they compared me to a replicator, I wouldn't be surprised. I just give them what they want and expect to see, after all.. I'm not a _real_ person, am I?"

The doors opened with a hiss that he didn't notice, and someone's footfalls were also unnoticed. The doctor didn't sense anyone's presence until they were standing before him

"Actually, for the past five years, I tried to convince myself that that last part was true. Due to not-so-recent events, I was persuaded otherwise."

He jumped as Kathryn's voice filtered through the fog of rejection. When he looked up, she took a step back as his grey-green eyes burned.

_Come with me, I'll take you now  
To a place that you fear  
For no reason why  
Your heart has turned away from me  
And I will make you understand_

Tension set in between them as he returned to staring at nothing in particular. She took the opposite chair, and waved the security officers away. Tuvok had sent them to flank her and monitor what went on while she was on that hologrid. The doctor didn't miss this, and once the doors were closed again, he spoke.

"Hm…. I see you came here well protected. What did you expect?" His voice dripped with bitterness that Kathryn had fully expected. "Did you think I would break and attack you for erasing my memory?"

"Would you have, if I had come unguarded?"

Her sudden question startled him. The fact that she would believe he would… _You have every right to be angry. She and the others just consider you a bunch of subroutines compacted into a holomatrix. What would they care if you were manipulated into forgetting someone existed! _These thoughts drifted into his head without warning, and he felt the unmistakable urge to act on what he had just suggested. Halfway toward her, he stiffened.

"I've found that bitter thoughts very easily conquer a shattered mind." She had risen to her feet as well, the captain's intentions, no doubt, the opposite of his own. "You want to take action? Go ahead. See how far that takes you. That won't assuage your guilt."

"Here's a question. If you had the chance to go back and make it so that you didn't have to be stranded here, would you? Would you risk not having this future?"

His words seemed to be playing on an infinite loop in her head as this question was mulled over and over. Finally,

"I don't know…"

"Exactly! There you were faced with a decision that was impossible. Think of my position when I had to choose Kim or Jetal! I could not decide, but then the fact that I _knew_ Harry Kim was the only thing that saved him that day!"

_Everything will become clear to you  
When you see things through  
another's eyes  
Everything will become clear to you  
Whatever's meant for you, you will find_

His fists clenched and unclenched rhythmically for the next few minutes. Both were silent, while lost in their own thoughts. Tension was still building, and the fact that he had just discussed the reason he was here now didn't improve things.

"Can everything be manipulated? How is it that in an instant we lose something that causes great suffering, and then it is replaced in the form of another? How is it that when Mr. Kim was dragged down into space when we had that breach, Samantha Wildman lost her daughter at birth, and Voyager was between a rock and a hard place, we get away with all that was somehow so distant!"

"Doctor, you know how that was done, and I wish it could have been repeated when we lost Jetal, but it can't. We were only lucky to have a parallel Voyager at that point. Otherwise, Harry would be gone, Naomi would be a distant memory, and we would all be victims of Vidian warships. There's no way to turn back the clock, but If there was…"

"Oh yes… We've manipulated, evaded, and taunted death, but we still have found no way to reverse it! Even when there is a choice that is impossible to make, we still cannot avoid it!

"This is common. People are presented with decisions that are impossible. It is part of everyday life…"

"Right…" His anger and self-loathing came back full force as her words filtered through him. The truth of the matter was that, though he didn't want to face it, she was right. Jetal died because he made a choice. Her blood dripped from his hands, but it would have been the same with Kim if he had chosen her.

"_Pick one, or we lose them both!"_

"_Is there any way we could both do the procedure?"_

"_It would take too long to explain…"_

"_Well you could walk me through it as we do it together!"_

The sound of his fists slamming against the arm of the chair made Kathryn look up. His green eyes were blazing, but something told her she was not the cause of his anger. He picked up an object that had been lying beside the chair and rotated it in his hands. Upon further inspection, Kathryn noted that someone had left a phaser.

"Didn't trust me with you did they?" His voice was low and dark. The anger was evident, but his expression could make anger seem mild.

"I don't know what they were thinking. I can't tell you whether they thought they could predict your actions or not."

"They were right…" He lifted the phaser as if to aim it, and pointed it directly at her.

"What would be to gain by doing that?"

His surprise at her tone, which was emotionless, was hidden if there was any to begin with.

"I don't know… maybe nothing. What was to gain when I won and lost in a battle against death! It was, after all, a hollow victory." He kept it trained on her, while standing and beginning to walk the length of the room.

"It won't bring her back. This action, killing another, will only heighten the control that this grief and anger have over you… Don't let the after-effects of death conquer you again…"

He stopped and turned back to face her again. "Maybe you're right…"

Kathryn gasped as he turned the phaser away from her and toward his mobile emitter. There was no fear, hesitance, or expectation on his face.

"Maybe I shouldn't let death's residual effects destroy who I am… Maybe I should do it myself. That would guarantee no more suffering, no more grief, and no more plagues.

"Doctor, before you do something completely foolish and unthinkable, I will tell you that I of all people know what you're feeling at this very moment… The difference between your situation and mine is that I made the wrong choice…" A hint of desperation was detected in her voice, but the phaser did not move. "But why should I go on about it? Hell, nothing is going to change your mind."

"Go on…"

"What relevance is it? You're just going to destroy that emitter, and Voyager will not be able to restore your program. It is pointless either way."

"I have to know!" There was now desperation in every word he spoke. His eyes had lost their hard and stormy look, and were now wide. "I have to know that somewhere, somehow, someone is tormented by the decision that was impossible to make. I have to believe that I am not alone in this! You have human counterparts, I was never meant to have that luxury! I don't have a mind, a soul, or a _heart!_ I have to know I am not always alone…." His last statement was broken, either from excess shouting or emotion. Her eyes shot up to meet his. That hollow and devastated feeling was mirrored in her murky blue ones. It was then that they averted their eyes and resumed staring at anything but each other. Seconds passed, and finally the captain rose and moved toward him. Her hands enveloped one of his trembling fists, which was so tight his knuckles shown pearly in the fluorescent light.

"Doctor, regardless of how far from humanity you think you are, you've always been to this crew. They and I have always seen you as a person, rather than a collective of subroutines. Besides, you have to have a heart to do half of what you do aboard this ship. Oh and don't give me the whole "It is my duties that have allowed me to do my work" lecture again. We both know its more than that."

"Captain, I-"

"Don't even bother with formalities. I think that outburst warrants an elaboration on what I said earlier…" His eyes now held fear, though for what he knew not.

_Come with me, I'll take you there  
To a place where you'll see  
Everything you need to be the one  
you need to be  
And all of those things that you feared  
Will disappear from you in time_

Al he could do was sit there as she now began pacing in the exact spot he had only moments ago. "The year was 2358. My father and fiancé were in a shuttle doing some short mission I was talked into going on, and we were almost to the drop point. The chemicals were going to a planet that could recycle them and use them to power their multiple systems. We were passing a debris field, when navigation went offline. Naturally, the men attempted to correct the problem. After about five minutes, my father practically shouted 'brace for impact', and in the few seconds that passed, Justin's body flew back and hit me, forcing me into the back of the shuttle. He stayed with my father, attempting to get us off a crash course, but they failed." She took a long, deep, and calming breath. Her body was now rigid as she stopped in front of the doctor. His green eyes met hers, and she continued.

"We crashed onto an icy surface on Tau Ceti Prime, and the front of the shuttle splintered apart. After exiting the shuttle, I saw them. They were crushed under the ice, their fists beating against its underside. They were both screaming, but the area was too damned compacted with snow and ice to rescue them both. I was standing between the two of them, attempting to decide which to attempt to dig out. On one hand, I had my father, who I had known longest and lived with. On the other, I had Justin… He was to be my husband in three weeks. I could hear them shouting, but when I turned to look back, I couldn't see them. Their bodies had fallen deeper into the icy water below, and I had waited too long."

The doctor could see her visibly struggling against the tears that had no doubt been suppressed. She clenched her jaw, and ran a hand through her hair. Kathryn's voice was a bit softer when she continued.

"When another Starfleet shuttle landed, a medical team rushed over and began asking questions. I pointed to the places where my father and Justin had been, and they proceeded to dig them out. Another officer told me to explain to him exactly what happened. Needless to say, I walked away from that with their blood dripping from my hands. I went through a serious depression, and my sister had to drag me out of bed after she got too fed up with me. Phoebe and my mother knew it wasn't my fault that my father and Justin had died, but I still think I should have acted sooner. Maybe one of them could have survived…"

Her eyes clouded over at that point, and she turned away from him. Her shoulders shook slightly, as she continued to fight the tears that were now threatening to fall. The doctor dropped the phaser, stood, and tentatively stepped toward her. Before Kathryn could respond, he had spun her around so that she was facing him. The emotionless mask was gone, and the woman standing before him held no trace of the steely captain he knew.

"Why…. Why did you tell me this? It is horrible that as you proved I was not alone in my emotional turmoil, your wounds were reopened as well…"

"You don't understand… Those wounds never closed. The hard decisions you are forced to live with never allow themselves to be buried along with distant memories. Without further manipulation, you will remain at war with yourself as that decision plagues you. It sounds horrible, but in the end, it makes us stronger. We learn and build off the choices we make." She stifled a yawn as the doors opened, and Tuvok, Vorik, and another security officer entered.

"Captain, you should retire to your quarters. You need rest. Someone else will step in."

"Actually Tuvok, I think I'll manage. I'll call when I am ready."

He nodded, and the three stepped back into the corridor, allowing the doors to shut and the forcefield to be reactivated. Once all was silent, she was surprised to find his arms around her. The look on his face was that of someone who had just found a long-lost object or friend. She returned the gesture, and they remained like that for what seemed like an eternity, each thankful for the other's company.

When they finally parted, both went back to their respective chairs, him kicking the phaser out of reach and her picking up a book, and resumed a more comfortable silence. His thoughts were on exactly what she had told him about losing both her father and fiancé. The likeness of the two situations was oddly convenient, but somehow he knew she wouldn't make that up and have the reaction she did. _What was I thinking when I actually considered destroying my program? What would have there been to gain? No peace of mind could come from that. Hell, it would have hurt to know that she couldn't keep me from doing something irrational… I guess I'm more human than I thought…_

"Kathryn, I should have thought before pulling a ridiculous stunt like that…" When she didn't answer, he looked up to find her asleep in the chair, with the book of poetry open on the arm. He crossed over to her side and lifted the book in his right hand, with his left resting on her shoulder. Her head rested against it as she slept, and he just stood there, picking up where she left off.

_Everything will become clear to you  
When you see things through  
another's eyes  
Everything will become clear to you  
Whatever's meant for you, you will find_

_**A/N II: **_Yep, another one… Well anyway, this is it. Hope y'all like it, and please review. It lets me know what ya think. Flames are accepted (though not recommended) 


End file.
